7 minute read

And what exactly do you think fairy tales are? They are a reminder that our lives will get better if we just hold on to hope.

Some blogs quote inspirational figures from history, but I have a 6 year old daughter so you get characters from the Disney TV Series ‘Once Upon a Time’.

Picture the scene, a young prince and princess happen upon a mysterious book in her wardrobe, of which she claims to have no knowledge of (there’s no judgment here). Upon opening the book to look inside, the prince simply sees what is there, the pages of a fairy tale book. She, on the other hand, sees hope.

Okay, so I admit that the whole thing is a bit woolly but then again, there’s no doubt in my mind that my life with cancer has been better because I’ve always maintained a sense of hope. Of course, it can be hard to compare real life to a fairy tale. My cancer diagnosis wasn’t exactly the fairy tale ending I had hoped for, and yet, in some strange way, my life has become something really special because of it. Before that could happen though, I had to first open myself up to the possibility because, while believing in a happy ending can be a powerful thing, doing so with a terminal illness is hard.

There’s the small matter that I don’t want to die for a start, that I don’t want to leave my wife and daughter but one thing I know to be true is that, if I had stopped living (when I was told I was going to die), I would’ve missed out on so many amazing experiences. I often joke that I’m too busy to die now and, so long as I am able, I will carry on living. I will carry on hoping for a happy ending. In the meantime, you don’t have to stop doing things because you have a terminal illness.

Right now my cancer is under control but I live with the knowledge that this can change at any moment. In fact, I was painfully reminded of that this week when another friend, who had also been living with stage 4 cancer for 7 years, died. You could say that it was expected but I only saw her a few weeks ago and she was full of life and laughter. Make no mistake, I don’t take anything for granted, least of all my life.

Jayne’s death has made me more aware of my own mortality, but also, more determined to enjoy the time I have. For the most part, I try to put thoughts of dying to the back of my mind and, while they always find ways to filter through, that’s okay, I’m not pretending it isn’t happening.

I guess that’s what life’s about

I try not to live in the future, or the past for that matter. I can’t change what has already happened, and what hasn’t happened yet is unknown. It just makes sense to me that the only place I have any control is in the present (and I want to feel like I have some control in my own life). I also want to continue making beautiful memories with the people I love and doing the things that matter most to me. I once gave up on life (see my last post), but I won’t do that again.

In the past two years, I’ve probably had more moments of pure joy than at any other time in my life. Despite my terminal diagnosis, I’m really happy. Mostly because I choose to be, but also because I make choices that allow me to be. I’ve been busy making new plans for a new life living with cancer. There’s no shortcuts here folks. I’ve had to constantly work at it and challenge the way I think about my life and health. I just hated feeling powerless, and so I’ve learned to be flexible in my thinking. I’ve also learned to face my fears. Yes there’s been times when I probably wanted to give up, that’s okay. I’ve always found the strength I needed to carry on, and I came to accept that it isn’t a weakness to rely on others. It took a lot of strength to admit that I can’t do this alone.

One really important thing I’ve had to do is change my expectations in life. I can’t live my old life anymore and it’s exhausting (and depressing) to even try. I used to love running. I could run for miles and it wasn’t long before my diagnosis that I completed my first half marathan. It was as good for my mind as it was for my body and it really helped me during therapy. I felt fit, healthy and strong (which makes it really strange to think that I was already living with cancer).

In the same way I’ve had to learn to live with cancer, I started off slowly, first building up to 5k until, by the time I was diagnosed, I had my sights set on a full marathon. That would change, almost overnight, and I can still see myself, shuffling from one side of the cancer ward to the other. Honestly, it was a struggle and I soon forgot about running a marathon. My next challenge would have to be something a bit more manageable. It may have been a small win, but it felt like a massive achievement to me (when I got home, my next goal became to walk around the block).

George’s Marvellous Medicine

I’ve chosen to take a (realistic) little and often approach to life wherever I can these days (and my hope and resilience has grown as a result). If you set yourself up to fail, you probably already have. It occurred to me last night, when I was sat reading a bedtime story to my daughter, that it wasn’t so long ago that I couldn’t even do this. However, instead of missing out on one of my favourite times, we would simply lay together on her bed watching Bedtime Stories on BBC. Those nights hold precious memories for me, and hopefully for her too.

There have been other times when I couldn’t help out with our daughter, or around the house, and everything fell on my wife. I’d be lost without her. Truly, I don’t know how she kept going at times. When I think back now, it amazes me just how frail, scared and vulnerable I was and often the only thing that would.get me through the dark was my wife’s unwavering love, shining like a thousand golden stars in the night.

The other thing I remember is that I would believe just about anything if I thought it would keep me alive. I’ve probably done a few crazy things along the way, but I’ve never done anything I thought was unsafe and anything I’ve done has been done to compliment medical treatment, never as an alternative. There are diets which claim to treat, or even cure cancer but, if that sounds like wishful thinking, then it probably is and, unsurprisingly, none of these have ever been proven to work (some of them are even dangerous).

I used to absolutely love Quantum Leap! If only I’d had Al to guide me on my journey into cancer.

I never truly believed that they could cure my cancer. That always felt like a (quantum) leap too far but, that doesn’t mean I haven’t benefited from them. If nothing else, it was the start of feeling in control of my health, and I’ve learned something from everything I’ve done. Indeed, it’s been a journey of discovery, and I don’t want to take yours away from you.

Everything I know, I’ve had to learn because I didn’t have any real understanding of… anything. No one was talking about cancer, not what it’s really like. I’ve been able to cope with all of the challenges so far. I’ve been able to strengthen my immune system (I haven’t had so much as a cold for 18 months), I’ve had some amazing experiences, and I found a new way of living so, while I won’t say that it’s never too late, until then, I will say that there’s a lot to gain from believing in fairy tales.