It’s been three weeks since I last published a post and, as someone living with terminal cancer, three weeks is a long time. In fact, in three weeks time, I could be dead.

It’s a scary thought but I live with that thought every day and Jayne’s death was a poignant reminder that my situation can change at any time. I’ve now been living with cancer for two years, and it still amazes me how fast things can, and invariably do, shift.

It’s a real edge of your seat thriller for sure and I’m often left wondering what’s next. Stable periods come and go and are almost certainly followed by a period of uncertainty. People too seem to come and go, and I’ve learned a lot about the relationships in my life. I’ve come to expect all of these things, and more, and yet, it doesn’t make it any less exhausting … or disappointing.

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen”

That’s why perhaps one of the most important things I’ve learned is that I have to accept my vulnerabilities and I want to say straight away that this isn’t a sign of weakness, quite the opposite. You have to know when it’s time to take a step back because true strength is having the courage to face your vulnerabilities and, contrary to what you might think, embracing vulnerability can actually lead to greater inner strength. It has allowed me to be more authentic, which, in turn, has lead to greater self-awareness and resilience. 

Indeed, I’ve never done anything like this before. I spent years thinking that vulnerability was a weakness and I tried to hide the parts of my personality I thought didn’t belong, believing that this somehow made me stronger. The reality, of course, is that you must share your weakness before you can show your strength.

These days I choose courage over anything that might be perceived as comfortable. I did actually recently question at one point whether or not I still have anything meaningful to say; something that is genuinely going to inspire one of you reading this because integrity has become really important to me.

I’m not doing this to be popular, and I’m certainly not doing it for any financial gain. I’m not going to tell you that you can beat cancer (although I absolutely encourage you to never lose hope) and I don’t believe there’s a rigid one-size-fits-all cancer diet that can cure you (although I do think that we should all be eating the right nutrient-rich foods). I just want there to be something real for people like me.

Bad influence

The reason I’m saying this is because I recently watched a documentary on Netflix (also available on ITVX) about Belle Gibson, an Australian blogger who claimed to have healed herself naturally from brain cancer. If you’ve seen ‘Apple Cider Vinegar’ (also on Netflix), you will be familiar with her story. Truly, it was one that captured the hearts of millions all around the world.

What was even more remarkable was that, even when the cancer spread to her blood, spleen, brain, uterus, and liver, she rejected medical treatment (and encouraged others to do the same) and empowered herself instead with “nutrition, patience, determination and love”.

Of course, it was all a lie.

Unfortunately, there were plenty of people who believed her… she had around 200,000 followers, many of who were living with cancer and, while I don’t necessarily think she’s a bad person, I don’t personally feel that anything can make up for the lives that were needlessly lost. That said, I also don’t feel that the blame stops with her because Penguin Books, who published her cookbook, and Apple, who launched her app, must also share the accountability. It was clear, even at the time, that Belle was a very troubled and confused young woman, something both companies chose to ignore in pursuit of profit.

The cynic in me would say this is a symptom of modern life; that there’s plenty who are happy to take your money but who aren’t willing to take any blame. I don’t think Belle did it for any financial gain, not at the start at least, although she never gave any of the promised money to charity. Still, it makes me really sad and angry that there’s undoubtedly plenty of other people who will exploit vulnerabilities for their own gain. It makes it hard to know what and who to trust.

Even a cursory look at the health and food industries shows that profit is often valued above all else, including human life. I see misinformation all the time now, and the truth is like “a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma” (good ole Churchill). It took me a long time to get to where I am with my health and diet, and I’m still learning. One thing I did pretty early though was that I stopped following those fashionable beat cancer plans. I just try to eat the right foods, for me, and pay attention to nutrition.

I genuinely think this is one of the reasons I’m still alive, but I know that what works for me might not work for you. That’s why one of my aims for this blog was to empower you to take control of your own life and health. I’ve spent two years researching all of these areas, and, believe me, a lot of these so-called cancer diets can actually be pretty unhealthy (not to mention unrealistic).

The immune system strikes back

Honestly, my diet is fairly restrictive. For the most part, I don’t eat meat, gluten, dairy, refined carbs, sugary snacks/drinks… or anything that is more than minimally processed. Not because I think they cause cancer (only red and processed meats have been proven to cause cancer, or because I think I can cure my cancer, but because I eat with my immune system in mind. My immune system is my best weapon against cancer, and it makes sense to me that I should look after it, particularly since I started immunotherapy.

I don’t do things because someone on Instagram told me to, and I look at the benefits and risks before I do anything. You have to believe what you’re doing is right for you, and you have to keep yourself safe. It takes time and, yes, determination, love, and patience. Life is fleeting, and I’ve been handed a death sentence. Still, I know that I can’t cut corners. Some of the best things in life are things I’ve worked the hardest for (my long-suffering wife might disagree, ha).

My life is at stake here, and I’m not going to withdraw from conventional treatment. I am going to show myself love  though. At the end of the day, I’m only human, and I’m coping with some really powerful emotions, so if I want to eat a particular food, then I will. And I’m not going to give myself a hard time about it. I want to enjoy life and, let’s be honest, there are times when a celery stick just isn’t going to cut it, and I try to be realistic about all these things now. Don’t think that you’re not being strong just because you can’t be upbeat all the time.

My diet used to be the first thing to go when I received bad news or suffered a setback, but that isn’t the case now. Like many of you, I’ve been going through a tough time lately. I’m experiencing more side-effects from immunotherapy each time (I can barely stay awake some days, and the pain often keeps me awake at night). Then it was Jayne’s funeral last week, and her death had a big impact on me.

Not only that but, today I had to have a mammogram and ultrasound after I found a lump in my left breast, and it’s been an anxious wait to find out if my cancer had spread again Thankfully, it was benign, but it’s still been a lot to cope with, and it would’ve been easy to comfort eat… I know this wouldn’t bring me any real comfort though.

I know that true vulnerability requires self-compassion and understanding, not shame and judgment. This is how I’ve been able to cope with all of life’s challenges. It takes real courage to confront your weaknesses but, if you can open up and share (experiences, fears, and emotions), even if it’s just with yourself, you might be surprised just have brave you are.