I wonder if, like me, you find that you’re constantly having to adjust to new phases in your life. Maybe, like me, you’ve had to learn to adapt to changing conditions in how you feel mentally or physically. Cancer cells are known to adapt and evolve in their response to their environment, and therefore, so should we.

Personally, I believe this ability to adapt and evolve makes me better equipped to cope with the many challenges of living with a terminal disease. There’s always something to feel unhappy about these days. So I find, at least. And yet, I’m not unhappy. At times, I might find myself putting on a happy face, but, ultimately, I know that pretending will only get me so far. At some point, you have to face up to these negative emotions.

For me, this has been a key factor in building resistance. Again, cancer cells can alter their genetic makeup; their metabolism to survive and, since I’m in the business of survival, then I’ve had to do the same. I’ve had to let go of a lot of things from my old life. My old reality. But then, out with the old, in with the new.

I wish I could fly way up to the sky…

I wonder how many people read that and think ‘I can’t do that’. What’s holding you back though? Fear? Self-blame? In truth, it could be any number of things, all of which are perfectly valid reasons. Still, if you haven’t already, I say it’s finally time to face your fears and start being devastatingly honest with yourself. It’s your life… and it really is now or never.

I found that, once I acknowledged my negative thoughts, I’ve began to gain a better understanding of myself and my situation. It was like a lock being unpicked. I was ready to take action. There’s no point in doing nothing. You might have convinced yourself that you’re protecting yourself in some way, but I would disagree. At the end of the day, I can’t imagine being a passenger on my own cancer journey. Doing nothing leads to stuck, and that”s not a place I want to be.

In fact, I’ve actually enjoyed a lot of personal growth over these past two years. Proof that you can thrive in the most awful conditions. I genuinely believe that I’m a better Husband. Father. Son… Person, as a result of my prognosis. Cancer changes you and it changes those around you. Not all of these hinges are bad though. If you allow yourself to be open to them.

They say that timing is everything, and for me, I had just finished three years of intense psychotherapy for debilitating depression and anxiety. Not only did it mean that I was happy, for the first time in a long time, but I was perhaps better equipped to deal with what happened than I might otherwise have been. Besides, there was no way I was going to let the hard work I’d put into therapy go to waste.

It may have been harder to stay positive in the beginning (see my posts on surviving chemo, but I always tried to at least find one good thing when I could. Looking back now, as bad as I felt physically, I had some really good times while I was having chemo.

More recently, I d been feeling pretty fortunate not to have had any side-effects from my immunotherapy. Months went by, and nothing. Then, I started feeling sick again. I got an acne-type rash on my face, and my skin was dry and itchy. I didn’t always feel like eating, and I was getting headaches. Worst of all though was the severe pain all over my body. All my muscles, joints, back, front…. Some days, I would sleep more than I was awake. That was less than two weeks ago, but it had lasted for two months.

I do what I can. I’m just a man.

Last time,I think I mentioned that I was in the middle of a DIY project. No more. I had to down tools. Not easy for me to do. To continue would be foolish though. I could feel myself getting wound up. Exhausted. Negative thoughts flooded my mind, and while it can seem like a good idea to ignore them (you might believe that finishing the project will bring you peace), that kind of thinking comes at a cost.

Instead. By both acknowledging and accepting my negative emotions, I’ve been able to develop healthy coping mechanisms and build resilience. Not only that, but it helps me to handle future challenges more effectively too, because I like to feel like I’m living. That’s important here. Having a terminal illness doesn’t mean I’m dying. Not today I’m not.

So, I’m determined to make the most of whatever time I have. This means focusing on can and have instead of can’t or don’t have. Adapt and change. The more I can accept, the more I can cope with. The more I can cope with, the more I can accept. Accepting bad things that happen using the same compassion you would show another person… well, I feel I’m all the better for it.

Im not sitting around waiting for bad things to happen either. Of course, there has to be a balance between staying alive and quality of life, but who says that I can’t define what that balance is. It’s my life. I know what’s important to me. Doing the DIY myself was important. Starting this blog too, was important. Both gave me a sense of purpose; something that can be lost when you have cancer.

It’s easy to become just a diagnosis, but It doesn’t have to be that way. People would ask why I didn’t just pay someone to do the work for me. They would see me in pain and exhausted. I like the idea that there’ll be little bits of me throughout this house after I’m gone though.

It’s just a shame that stable periods rarely last. I could’ve done more. Would’ve done more in the past. Noe I’ve learned to let go, it’s exciting getting people to come in and do what I can’t. It’s exciting. The only thing I don’t like is handing over the money ha Only because it’s money that I we should be spending on life experiences instead. To this end, some people have asked me why it’s even important to me to want to focus my time and energy on the house. That’s simple. I’m doing it for my wife and daughter.

We bought our current home just prior to my diagnosis. We knew there was a lot to do. We didn’t know I was already living with cancer. It was going to be our ‘forever’ home (how’s that for irony). We’d had a really unsettled few years, and we were looking forward to doing the work over time. Time. It feels like my worst enemy now. I feel an urgency to complete the work, so I know my wife doesn’t have to.

I’d also like to see it all come to fruition. To see iook like it looks in our heads. The house I was meant to grow old in. I guess only time will tell on that one though. We only put aside a small amount of money to address some immediate concerns in the house. Either I’m going to die, or the money will run out, and I probably won’t get to see it. Still, I can either dwell on thoughts like this excessively, allowing them to control me (which could lead me back to the days of anxiety and depression). Or, take a more positive and balanced perspective.

Everything comes back to what is truly important to you.That’s why we’re focusing on planning our next adventure instead. Speaking of adventures, I sat and watched Ice Road Truckers: Vengeance one night this week while my wife was busy (another change I’m having to get used to because since wife changed jobs, long story and not entirely by choice, it’s meant that she isn’t available as much to care for me – it’s made our lives more difficult yo say the least), and there’s a scene where grizzled Liam Neeson says:

‘tides come and the tides go, you can’t stop them so just go with the flow.’

Indeed. The point of this posr isn’t to moan by the way. I feel as though I cope with my diagnosis really well. This doesn’t mean that I’m not scared; angry… I just try to accept life as it unfolds. You can’t choose when life knocks you down, but you can choose when to get back up and, even life with a terminal illness can be a good life.

FINAL THOUGHT

I just wanted to share the awful experience I had with Wickes, who did our bathroom. They promised so much and yet, delivered so little. Truly. It’s hard to believe they could care less about their customers, not least of all their disabled customers. The terminally ill customers. They managed to get so many things wrong (including leaving me without heating, in February, when I was having chemo). It became farcical. Every day we would ask what else had gone wrong (it would be quicker to say what went right). The worst of it though was how they treated me at the end (the word despicable comes to mind, but still falls short).

Honestly, if you’ve been thinking about using them, I urge you not to. And, I urge you to urge others not to use them. Mind, we haven’t actually paid for all of it yet. I set it up on finance, which at least provides a silver lining of sorts. If I die, the debt would die with me. It’s a small comfort.